Behind The Scenes: Mount Olympus
by Lone-Soprano-Of-Sopranoland
Summary: How I think Greek myths happened, with some behind the scenes Olympus stuff, some texting and a bit of everything, but this is more of a variety fic. Submit what you want and I'll put it in! I'm not very good at summaries...
1. Chapter 1

**Just a thought in my head... I have a lot of strange thoughts in my head.**

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_Chapter One_:_ The True Origins of the Greek Gods:_

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Let's face it. If you've read Greek mythology, you know there are some parts that are awesome, and amazing... then there's those eyebrow-raising, _questionable_ completely inconsistent moments.

But I am here to educate you on how the myths really should have happened. Or might have happened. (If you haven't read them before, read them before this. Most of this is not true)

So naturally, we should start at the beginning.

_The Rise of the Titans and the Birth of all these monsters we hardly hear from again:_

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Eart-

Whops! Wrong story.

In the beginning, there was the Mother Nature or Earth, or whatever you call her, named Gaia, and the sky, named Uranus. So naturally, they fell in love, since there was no one else to fall in love with, and eHarmony wasn't an option or a "thing" yet, and had a bunch of kids.

How the sky can get the Earth pregnant, I have no idea.

Anyway, they had a bunch of kids with one hundred hands... which I guess didn't raise any eyebrows, and a bunch of kids with one eye...which also apparently didn't raise any eyebrows, either. Seriously, Earth+ Air= dust. A dust baby would make more sense, than this!

Now Gaia was a good mom... for a little while.

She let all her kids frolic over her body, chucking rocks at everything, tearing up the ground, causing mass destruction, blowing stuff up, and doing chaotic things because that's what a good mother should do.

Uranus, on the other hand, was a little creeped out by all these weird hundred handed, mutant, rock-chucking children, who seemed to like to destroy stuff, dramatically wave their arms, and scream, so he decided, that the natural thing to do was to lock them up in Tartarus, the deepest pit of hell imaginable.

Why?

We don't know. Maybe they didn't do their homework or maybe he didn't want to raise them, or deal with their teenage years, paid for their overly expensive education, making sure that they stayed out of prison for a couple more years, or do anything that had to do with parenting.

Naturally, (man, I like using that word) Gaia is not happy with this, I mean, damning your kids to an eternity of torment, fire and pain is a BIG no-no... and without Mom's permission. Unspeakable!

So Gaia went to some other kids she had, who looked more... _normal, _than the other ones, called the Titans. Because siblings totally get along all the time, so if one's in a pickle, other siblings would come to the rescue.

Get real, Gaia.

If your siblings got eternally grounded, you would probably take all their stuff... or destroy it.

The Titans were more like the first cavemen... I mean, they weren't very smart...at all. And there were twelve of them. Tethys, Theia, Cronus, Rhea, Oceanus, Hyperion, Coeus, Crius, Phoebe, Themis, Iapetus, and Mnemsyne. But no one really cares about any of the other Titans except Cronus and Rhea. They actually got somewhere in life...

Well, at least Rhea did...

Gaia goes to her children for help... because that's a great idea on a parent's part... and comes to the conclusion that Daddy's not so great. But how should we take care of this problem?

Sit down and talk about it?

Nope.

Go to family therapy classes?

Nope.

Divorce Daddy?

Are you kidding? Nope!

Mother Earth reached the totally legal solution, of cutting up Daddy into little tiny pieces, castrating them, and throwing them into the sea, because you know, by the wise words of Mother Gothel, from Tangled "Mother knows best!"

Again, _why_?

Maybe Uranus forgot their anniversary, or her birthday, wouldn't cook dinner, or left the toilet seat up one two many times. But the lack of communication in this family is amazing. COMMUNICATE, PEOPLE!

Gaia, then fashions a sythe made of stone, and gives it to Cronus, the youngest of the children, because sure, your gonna have your smallest, scrawny child defend your entire family... Nice move, Gaia.

So Cronus released his Clinon-like siblings, and cut up his Dad into tiny pieces and cast them in the sea, forming Aphrodite, but we'll come back to her. After recycling their father, the Titans took over the Earth.

Cronus locked up his mutant siblings back up in Tartarus, became a self-proclaimed king, and took his sister, Rhea as his wife, because inbreeding is totally O.K and hygienic!

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So clearly there must be a lesson in this:

1) Don't do this.

2) Don't listen to Daddy. Mother knows best.

**Please R&R!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to all who read and reviewed! I hope you think this entry is funny!**

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_Chapter Two: The Legacy of Bad Parenting, and the Birth of Mr. Electrocution_

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Where were we again?

Oh yeah! Inbreeding...

Don't do it.

So Cronus names himself king, marries his older sister, blah, blaah, blaah, details, details...

BAM!

Rhea gets pregnant! And Cronus never saw it coming... He started getting paranoid about having his children overthrow him because you know, children should always stay beneath their parents and never get ahead in life... Way to go, Cronus!

Rhea, eventually gives birth to a child, and Cronus isn't too thrilled about it. What should he do?

1) Go to therapy?

Nope.

2) Go to a marriage consoler?

Heck no!

3) Talk to your wife about it?

No!

4) Put them up for adoption?

Nooooo!

5) Swallow your newborn child whole, like a python?

DING, DING DING DING DING! He decides to eat his own children, which, again, didn't raise any red flags...

Wow, Cronus! Inbreeding with your sister, then swallowing your kid?

What are you gonna do next? Destroy the Earth... umm... forget I said that.

And Rhea, being the awesome mother that she is, does what every good mother would do, when her child is being eaten by their father:

Sit, and watch the show.

I kid you not, that is what she did. And Cronus did not just eat _one_ kid... He went through _five_ kids, Hestia, Demeter, Poseidon, Hera, and Hades, (not necessarily in that order) before Rhea did anything about it. No going to the police, no saying anything, no divorce... She just watched.

And I thought Gaia was a bad mother.

Rhea could have at least refused to have anymore kids... but no! Maybe, this time, it'll be different. It wasn't different five times ago!

The children, on the other hand, were living in Casa De Cronus' Stomach. Since they were immortal, and could not die, they just chilled out in their dad's belly. How do you fit five growing babies in your stomach without exploding?

Try not to think too hard about it.

Meanwhile, Rhea gets pregnant, again, (seriously, does this woman know the meaning of birth-control?) and finally gets the memo that her husband/ brother is not gonna stop using their kids as entrees, so when she gives birth to her next kid, called Zeus, she decides to hide him with Ol' Granny Gaia, on the island of Crete.

Great... Because she's good with taking care of children, and establishing morals...

But what about Cronus?

She comes up with the absolutely marvelous idea of wrapping a stone up in baby blankets, and giving it to her husband to eat...

(clears glasses, and crosses hands over an invisible desk) Really? That's the best you could come up with, Rhea? The last time I checked, a baby did not feel like a rock... not in the slightest. You would have to be hilariously wasted to believe that...

But anyways, Cronus fell for it and ate the rock, which fell on Hera's head on the way down... Probably why she's so angry all the time...

There are many stories regarding Zeus' childhood, so I'll just tell you all of them, and you can pick the one that sounds the least demented to you, if there is such a thing:

Story 1) Zeus is raised by Gaia...(That explains a lot)

Story 2) Zeus is raised in mountain caves, sucking on milk from a magical goat, named Amathlea, who apparently was his first cousin, and was kept company by soldiers and dancers, who banged their shields together, shouted and sang, so Cronus wouldn't hear the Zeus crying. (They could have duct taped his mouth shut... It would save a lot more energy.)

Story 3) Zeus was raised by his nymph cousin, Amathlea, who fed him goat milk. Since Cronus ruled over the earth, sky, and the sea, Amathlea did the totally logical thing of hanging him upside- down by his feet, so he was in-between earth, sky and sea. (He probably threw up a lot... and upside down? You could at least put him in a cradle and hang it on a tree!)

Pick your story. All of them are messed up.

Zeus, somehow grows up to adulthood without completely losing his mind, is told his of his true heritage, and goes to face off with his father. There are several other stories about this fight, so I'll tell you all of them... and you can chose the one that makes the most sense to you.

Story 1) Zeus meets a smoking hot smart goddess named Metis, tells her about himself, and they start "dating" I guess? Metis decides to help him out, by tricking Cronus into drinking an elixir that makes him barf up his now fully grown children.

Story 2) Zeus tricks Cronus into drinking a drink that makes him barf up his fully grown siblings.

Story 3) Zeus cuts Cronus' stomach open.

This family is messed up.

Anyway, somehow Cronus barfs up his kids, and they revolt against him, in a massive, unneeded battle that takes ten years, to finish. Zeus releases the Hundred Handed and the Cyclops, (finally) and they give him the lightning bolt, they give Poseidon an over-glorified fork, and they give Hades a lame cap of invisibility. All of the girls get nothing.

And sexism was born!

Of course, Zeus and his siblings won, and they locked up the Titans in Tartarus, (since that always helps) and the boys, (Zeus-Poseidon-Hades) drew lots to see what areas of the earth they would rule. Zeus got the sky (go figure), Poseidon got the seas, and Hades got stiffed with the Underworld. And the goddesses you ask? They got lame gifts like childbirth and the harvest.

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What can we learn from this:

1) Don't do this.

2) Overthrowing your parents are ok!

3) Poison is always the answer to all life's problems.

4) Boys are better than girls (punches a hole through the wall)


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so much to all who read, favorited, and reviewed! I'm glad you guys like it! Sorry for the long update. I had finals!**

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_Chapter Three: The Creation of Humans, Animals, the Gift of Fire, and the Great Flood:_

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Hello, again, from Asteri the nymph, since I have nothing better to do!

Recap on last time, Cronus should have gone to jail, Rhea and Gaia are awful mothers, Zeus needs help with his lifestyle, and more inbreeding!

So Zeus becomes King of the World, pretty much, and hooks up with Metis. But then Zeus met Hera, his _older_ sister. All of a sudden, Metis became a dirt sandwich. Zeus will repeat this... many times. Hera is not interested in him, but Zeus will not give up. But he has to get rid of Metis. But how?

1) Break up with her?

Nope.

2) Try to set her up with someone else?

No.

3) Fake his own death?

Too much work.

4) Go to therapy?

Too much money!

5) Swallow her whole?

Yup!

Because this method clearly works, Zeus tricked Metis into shape-shifting into a fly, and then swallowed her. Metis, unlike Zeus' siblings, ended up in Zeus' brain, and became Zeus' conscious... Because when you eat a steak, the cow it came from will totally become your conscious... that couldn't possibly back-fire!

But it will...BWAHAHA!

Anyways, Zeus clings to Hera's side like a lovesick puppy, who she would love to kick. But Zeus creates a really bad storm, disguises himself as a wounded dove, and lands on Hera's windowsill. Hera starts hugging and kissing the bird, instead of, you know, trying to fix it, and Zeus turns human while she's kissing and hugging him.

Apparently Hera thought shape-shifting to stalk someone was cute, and totally not worth calling the police over, so she marries him.

But like two seconds after their honeymoon, Zeus is cheating on her with everyone and everything. And poor Hera has to stick with that cow for the rest of eternity...

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Meanwhile, on Earth, these two Titans that actually fought with Zeus are trying to create stuff to live on the Earth. Prometheus, the smart one, gets to create humans, and Epimetheus, the dumb one, gets to create animals.

Well, there was a basket of gifts to give to each animal/ human, and when Prometheus was spending too much time creating humans, Epimetheus gives all the gifts to the animals. So cheetahs became fast, sharks became crazy, Michael Jackson became white... all that stuff happened.

Prometheus got mad, and since he had nothing to give his creation so instead of being creative, he decides to steal. He goes up to Olympus, steals fire from the gods, and brings it back down to mankind.

Jeez, you brought back fire? You could have a least brought us electricity, or guns!

Zeus, as usual, gets really mad, and decides to punish Prometheus for having a heart.

What does he do?

1) Places him in jail?

Nope.

2) Giving him a stern talking to?

Wrong again!

3) Chain him to a mountain?

DING, DING, DING!

Zeus decides to chain him to a friggin' mountain for the rest of eternity. And that's not the worst part! He sends a vulture to eat Prometheus' liver every day and every night, it grows back so it can get eaten again. What the heck, man?

On top of that, Zeus decides to send man what he thinks would be an awesome curse: a woman. (breathes in deeply) If you want to be sexist, keep it inside. Don't tell the entire world, or I will personally come to your house and beat you. Any-who, the gods get together and form a woman, named Pandora. Aphrodite gave her beauty, (shallow), Athena gave her a brain, and Zeus gave her curiosity. He decided to give her a box or a jar, depends on the version, and tells her not to open it.

Okay, lemme just say one thing. Zeus is a jerk.

Pandora marries Epimetheus, the stupid one, and they settle down. Everything is happy dreams, rainbows and lollipops for a while. Meanwhile, Pandora is being driving insane not knowing what's inside the stupid box, and one day she decides to "take a peek." All of a sudden, all the evils of the world unleash themselves on everyone...

Wow... Women brought all evil to the world...way to be subtle.

Somehow, Pandora closes the box/ jar, and only one thing is left inside... Hope.

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After that little fiasco, Zeus decides, because his ideas rock, that humans are way too evil for his liking, even though he gave them all those evils IN THE FIRST PLACE! So he must destroy them, in a flood...

But Prometheus tells his son, Deucalion to build an ark and bring in two of every kind of animal inside, along with his wife Prryha- How he informed his son, we will never know...

This is basically the Greek version of Noah's ark. Just shorter, and less realistic.

It rain for like twelve days, and nights, everyone died, blah, blah, blah... Eventually everyone came out, and surprise, surprise! They had to repopulate the Earth! But somehow they ended up throwing stones behind themselves, because it was the bones of Mother Earth, or something, and for every stone the woman threw it became a woman, and every stone Deucalion threw became a man.

And that kids, is where babies come from!

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What can we learn from this?

1) Zeus is a jerk.

2) Babies come from chucking rocks behind you. (Man, that means we would have like billions of humans popping up in playgrounds, where the toddlers were.)

3) Women are evil. (You are going down)


	4. Chapter 4

** Hello, my fellow Mythology nerds! I am giving you another chapter! like a super late Christmas gift or an early Valentines Day present!**

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_Chapter Four: The Goddesses of Olympus:_

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I personally feel that these goddesses don't get enough credit, so it is my job to tell you my opinionated truth about them... BWAHAHAHA!

So lets start out with the one and only walking contradiction we all know as Hera.

Hera is the Queen of the Gods, and probably one of the most powerful of all the goddesses, and yet... she spends all her time chasing after Zeus' wedlock children around, trying to make their lives a living hell... And I'm not joking... she's literally devoted her entire existence to torturing Zeus' consorts and illegitimate kids, even though it wasn't their fault.

Her symbol is the peacock, the bird that most describes Aphrodite, and she is the Goddess of Marriage (ha!) and Childbirth (double haa!) So sadly ironic...

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Next would probably be Athena, the walking dictionary. She was the child of Metis and Zeus, and she was a head-ache to him. Literally. She was born when Zeus got his head split open by Hephaestus, and she popped out in full body armor. That was probably the best moment of Hephaestus' life. So when Athena popped out, all the gods wanted to... um... "Get with that", but Athena was disgusted, and decided to be single forever.

Even though some of the fan-girls believe she and Poseidon had a thing, since they were at each others neck all the time (me!) and if you want to read something like that, READ CHAINS, BY CERVA ALBA! Best Greek Mythology fic ever!

Athena was the goddess of wisdom and battle strategy, along with weaving, and she was pretty much good at everything. Seriously, everyone who went up against her turned into some weird animal... or Medusa.

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Moving onto another virgin goddess, we met Artemis, the goddess of the hunt, and twin to Apollo. Artemis is also the goddess of childbirth, (even though she's a virgin), the protector of young girls, and a bunch of other stuff, no one cares about.

She was the daughter of Zeus and Leto, the goddess of darkness, who we will never hear about again. Artemis hated men, and spent all her time smelling like animal guts, hunting around the woods with her dog and nymph friends.

It was like Robin Hood and his Merry Men! Just not...

Well, there was this one time Artemis fell in love with a guy named Orion, but her brother tricked her into shooting him in the head. But don't worry! Getting shot by Artemis is like a tranquilizer dart. Painless.

Wait... there was also this one guy whose name I can't find on the Internet, who was sleeping outside, while Artemis was drawing the moon across the sky, and Artemis found him hot. So she decided to do the logical thing you do when you see a hot sleeping boy.

Make out with him, of course!

Seriously, Artemis did that every night, then after like a month, she cast an eternal ageless sleep on him, and whisked him away to a secret cave, so she could make out with him... some more... I'm starting to question her virginity thing...

Artemis also has a history of turning men who tried to "Get with that" into deer, girls, and even a mountain, once. Don't mess with her!

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You know that one shy girl at school whose always nice to people, but she's just so forgettable, and you feel really bad when you can't remember her name? Yeah, that's Hestia, the goddess of the hearth. Yeah, Artemis gets the hunt, Poseidon gets the sea, and Hestia gets the friggin' fireplace!

The only time you ever hear about her is when she selflessly gives up her throne to party animal, Dionysus. As if he's even sober enough to sit on it! The rest of eternity she spends poking a fire, not talking to anyone... She could be plotting to take over the world and we wouldn't know.

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Lights! Camera! Glamour! Hello, Aphrodite! The hottest of the gods! and the oldest! Now if you read about Aphrodite as a child, they called her the goddess of love and beauty, but... how do I put this nicely... They lied to you.

In reality, Aphrodite is the goddess of sexual desire...

Gross.

She was formed when pieces of Uranus were thrown into the sea, and BAM! Instant gorgeousness! All the gods were all jaw-droppy, goo-goo-eyed, and drooling when they saw her, because she was soo beautiful...and naked...and they all wanted to get with her. But Zeus decides to give her to Hephaestus, the Quasimodo of the gods. Imagine her delight...

There are two possible reasons for this. Pick which one makes the most sense to you:

1) Zeus feels bad about being such a bad father to Hephaestus, you know, since he threw him from heaven, onto earth, permanently crippling him, so he decides to buy Hephaestus' forgiveness by giving him Aphrodite, as his wife.

2) Aphrodite rejected Zeus, so as a punishment, gave her to Hephaestus.

I personally believe the second one.

Well it took about thirty seconds for Aphrodite to start cheating on him with the mega-hot doushe-bag, Ares, his brother, and like three thousand other mortal men. Her symbol is the dove, (because she's totally pure) and the female symbol, is suppose to represent her mirror.

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Demeter... Demeter, Demeter, Demeter... The queen of the control freaks, and the goddess of the harvest. She is probably the best known for the whole Persephone + Hades scandal. She didn't really get married, but she had a one-night-stand with Zeus, and out popped Persephone, but we'll get to her later.

Demeter was like an early environmentalist. She loved the earth a lot, and I guess she spent a lot of time gardening... Her symbols were a sythe and grain and stuff...

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Let's get to the fun stuff. Meet the Rainbow Happy Dreams Princess of the gods, Persephone! She was the goddess of spring, and probably the founder of Care-Bears and My Little Pony, who was always super happy, spending her time skipping around the meadows, with her nymph friends, making daisy chains, having no interaction with other humans, or gods... because her mother kept her isolated from other men because Zeus broke her heart...

Seriously Demeter, How did you not see that coming? He's done it thousands of times!

So Persephone never met a guy, but then Hades came along, and they hooked up. The emo god, and Mrs. Sunshine hooked up. Imagine Demeter... She decided instead of calling the police, she was gonna starve the humans, because its obviously their fault.

Persephone was brought back to her.. :( but could only stay for one half of the year, since she ate the fruit of the dead... then she had to go back to the Underworld with Hades (love him)

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Now what can we learn from this:

1) The goddesses are stupid.

2) The gods cannot stay faithful.

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**Hope you liked it! Please review! It may be nothing to you, but it means the universe to me.**


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter Five: The Gods Of Mount Olympus:_

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**Hello, my fellow mythology fans! Asteri is back! I'm so sorry for the long update. I had finals... **

**Anywho, last chapter we decided to talk about the goddesses of Olympus, so its only fair, that we include the guys... *smacks forehead***

**I'm only doing this because I really like you guys for keeping up with me... So...**

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You know him, you hate him, and he probably was the father of half the Ancient Greek population... ZEUS! Self proclaimed king of the Gods, patron of kings, lightning, eagles, jerks and lots of other stuff.

Zeus probably has a hat that says "King of the Doshe-Bags" with blinking lights.

He is probably most famous for getting into the pants of almost every single goddess, nymph, and hot woman except for the virgin ones, and being a complete (insert word of choice) to Hera... Poor Hera, swallowing Metis and Athena, indirectly, and sewing a baby into his leg. Gross.

And when his kids were in a pinch, instead of helping them, like a good father should, he'd play Black Ops with Apollo for six hours straight.

His official wife is Hera, who he cheated on constantly, and as a result of that, he had lots of... consorts? I guess...

He fathered Hermes, Persephone, Dione, Dionysus, the Muses, Athena, Artemis, Apollo, Ares, Aphrodite (Illiad acccount) and a bunch of other hot messes. We all hate you

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You know that one really moody kid at school who has anger-management issues, and somehow has a permanent butt-print in the chair outside the principal's office?

Yeah, that's Poseidon for ya!

He ruled the seas, was the patron of horses, and did lots of random stuff. He was know for being really moody, and when he got mad, he'd stick his over-glorified fork into the ground, creating massive earthquakes, leveling entire cities, killing people in droves...

And everyone on Olympus was naturally ok with that!

His wife was Amphrite, a sea nymph, who was like Hera, but didn't care about her husbands numerous affairs. Poseidon's arch-rival was Athena, goddess of wisedom, and for some weird reason, they just liked to torture each other.

They totally liked each other. No denying it.

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Hades.

The Edward Cullen of the Gods. So they say...

Hades was always the unlucky one of the Big Three. His wife hated him (according to Demeter), he was stuck underground, and he had to take care of a bunch of dead people for a living... and the Wi-Fi connection in the Underworld, is awful!

Hades doesn't really show up a lot in mythology, maybe a bit here and a bit there. God of wealth, death, and all those emo, he has the fan-girls writing P/H fanfiction faster than you can say "pudding".

He's probably best known for capturing Persephone and tricking her into eating the fruit of the dead, chaining her to him for half the year, causing winter to happen...

Thanks a lot, you imbecile!

Thanks to you, all us northerners have to freeze our butts off, while you're chilling with Persephone! No Fair!

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NO ONE'S QUICK AS GASTON, GIVE GOOD LICKS LIKE GASTON, IN A SPITTING MATCH NOBODY SPITS LIKE GASTON!

Gosh, I hate him.

Ares was the god of war, super handsome, and buff, and good with words. He was truly the Gaston of the gods. You'd think he'd have the brain to match.

Well, Nope!

He was built like a bear, but had the I.Q. of a brick.

He was one of the only sons of Zeus and Hera, and he was a dirt-bag...Like a lot of them. Everyone says that Zeus and Hera, "didn't care about him" which would be weird, since I'd think Hera would be super excited that she actually had a fling that produced a child with her husband, but apparently not!

As a result of this, Ares became homicidal and started killing people.

Well that was fast.

Ares is known for inventing the "that's what she/he said" joke, that isn't funny (its disturbing) and fathering Romulus and Remus, Hippopolyta, Queen of the Amazons, and a lot of other kids I don't feel like typing out right now. He also had multiple flings with Aphrodite, producing Cupid/ Eros, the god of love.

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THE BELLS OF NOTRE DAAAMMMMEEE! AH-AH-AH-AH-AH!

Whops!

Wrong story.

Meet the Quasimodo of the gods, Hephaestus. He's like the Phantom of the Opera, Quasimodo, and Frankenstein all rolled into one ugly, adorable god.

His origins are heavily disputed, so I'll give you two options:

1) He's the son of Zeus and Hera, who was flung off a mountain, by Zeus, for siding with Hera.

2) He was created by Hera, with no male help, and she flung him off Mount Olympus, because he looked weird.

Both of these gods are the worst parents ever! How have they not been put in prison yet?

Anyway, Hephaestus fell for about a day, and landed on Crete (I think) where he was raised by nymphs and became really good at making weapons, and blacksmith work. He was taken back to Olympus, where he fashioned a chair for Hera, that she could never get off of.

You've earned our respect, man.

Sadly, childbirth was getting messed up, and he had to take her off. Grrr... Why? No one likes her!

He married Aphrodite, who cheated on him, multiple times, then married Aglaia, a Muse (?) who actually cared about him. He spent most of his time in his forge, wearing a brace on his leg, so he could walk, making tools, and hanging out with some bronze statues he created to be his friends.

Now you know why I compared him to Quasimodo.

Seriously, that movie is awesome!

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Technically, Dionysus is the god of merry-making and wine, at least that's just what the children's books say. They also give him a pine-cone staff But in my eyes... he's the god of drugs. Seriously, he was created purely so the Greeks would have a valid excuse to get high, kindof like Aphrodite and every other god was an excuse not to be faithful for more than five minutes.

Crack-heads, stoners, drunks... this is your guy.

He lived to party and that was all he did. That, and get people severely intoxicated.

Hobbies include: Having super red eyes, smiling at nothing, staring at nothing, DJ-ing, spending time with his wife, Ariadne, and getting wasted on a terrifying level

Dionysus was the son of Zeus and Semele, a princess, who begged to see Zeus in all his glory, thanks to Hera. She saw him and pulled a "Raiders of the Lost Ark "opening the chest" scene and burns alive, but somehow Zeus was able to take a premature baby Dionysus out of his burning mother and sewed him into his leg to preserve him...

Why didn't he just swallow him, like he did Athena, and Metis? You could've just thrown him up when he got really big... Why sew him into your leg? Your calf must've been massive...

Anywho, Dionysus lived inside of Zeus' leg for nine months, and then was born.

Jeez, no wonder he's always drunk. Drink the memory away... or smoke it... or inject it...

He's pretty well known for getting Olympians drunk, and bringing them back to Olympus. (a.k.a Hephaestus to get his mother out of her chair), being the only truly faithful god. (Weird, the stoner is the guy with the least amount of issues) and having some crazy fan-girls called the Maends or something, who did nothing but get drunk and rip people apart...

Okay... Weird.

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This is the guy responsible for waking you up at 5 o'clock in the morning, in the summer. Thanks a lot, Apollo!

Apollo was the twin of Artemis, god of music, sheep-hearders, the Sun, poetry, and a bunch of other performing arts stuff I don't feel like typing. Good looking, and charming, he was a pretty nice god, and fun to be around.

But he's Zeus' son... So he's bound to have issues.

He somehow had even worse standards than Zeus, and Zeus banged every female he saw... Literally. Y'know how Miley Cyrus' dancing consists of 20% twerking, 30% licking/ sticking out her tongue at everything, and 70% humping everything in the room... and humping construction equipement?

Yeah, that's Apollo for you.

He shagged everything. Plants, animals, humans, goddesses...Even Zeus thought it was weird, and he's Zeus. HE COULDN'T STOP, HE COULDN'T STOP! He also shagged a couple of the Muses, who I think were his own daughters... correct me if I'm wrong.

Apollo, also like the other gods, couldn't bear to be beaten at anything. Literally anything. And if they were beaten, they'd turn their opponent into a spider... or give them donkey ears. He was a pretty sore loser, and he's pretty famous for giving a king donkey ears (a.k.a Minos) turning Icarus into human bacon, and almost burning up the universe when he let his teenager ride the sun around for a day.

Seriously?

If you can't trust your son with cleaning your car, YOU CAN'T TRUST HIM WITH THE SUN!

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Hermes is awesome.

I'm sorry but he's less of a doshe than the other Olympians... at least in my eyes.

He's the god of tricksters, messengers, thieves and he ferried dead souls to the Underworld. Odd, he's probably the most unethical of the gods and yet I really, really like him...

Anywho, he's the son of Maia and Zeus (go figure), and like five hours after he was born, he snuck out of the house, stole an entire herd of sacred cows from his older brother, Apollo, killed a couple of them, created a new instrument and managed to get out of it stink free.

Okay, I don't care how accomplished you think you are, or how much you've done in your life, but you were never this awesome, at five hours old. You were wasting your time getting shots, screaming your head off and sleeping, while Hermes was living it up.

Hermes is prevalent in mythology but not as much as Zeus. He's mainly just the message boy, who delivers stuff, or he tricks mortals...

So sadly underrated.

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This is for all those people who go to school...or have a job... or a Facebook... or just interact with other humans in some way. Y'know that one annoying guy/girl who is super desperate for attention and at the same time unbelievably annoying?

Yes, of course we all know. And if you don't, then you are that person.

This person will hit on every single person of the opposite sex in the entire room, regardless of social status, age, height, weight and any other reason you can come up with. They act like they're Channing Tatum or Paris Hilton, when in reality, they are more like Jim Carrey... In facial expression.

He's so awesome.

Yeah, this annoying sack of annoying would be Pan, in the Greek world.

Pan was the son of Apollo and some random wood nymph, and he was supposed to be a lesson to show Apollo why shagging woodland creatures was wrong... You would think that he should know that by now, but his dad is Zeus!

He was bound to be messed up from the start.

Pan was a really ugly guy.

Like really ugly.

So ugly that his own dad showed him off to the other Olympians just to get a laugh.

Harsh,

Pan was also the guardian of the woods satyr, and he really wanted a girlfriend. Now for all you guys out there reading this, especially teenagers, if you don't get anything out of this chapter, please remember this, and take it to heart, since its from a girl, and I know what I'm talking about:

Do not take Pan's approach to getting women. You will get a restraining order, instead of a date.

Pan's approach to hooking up with girls fast consisted of a couple easy steps:

1) Sneak up on her when she's not looking.

2) Try some pick up lines on her if she hasn't run away in terror, yet.

3) If step two doesn't work, attempt assault.

4) If she turns herself into a plant, make that plant into a flute, and play it.

Just don't do it.

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Now the exact opposite of Pan would be Eros, or Cupid, the god of love. He's responsible for the whole Apollo falling for Daphne, and Jason falling for Medea (not Tyler Perry's) and Hades falling for Kore/Persphone, and Liam Hemsworth falling for Miley Cyrus...

Seriously, that is the only possible way it happened.

He would be one of the many examples of Aphrodite's unfaithfulness, and he's like that one perfect guy/girl in your school who you're crazy in love with... but BAM! They're taken.

Now before I continue, this probably needs to be said to avoid confusion. All those pictures of the little naked baby boy angels are not Eros. He's built like Ares, and actually has a brain. Now for some strange reason, to make people fall in love, he decides to shoot them with little "love darts"

What?

I think this only works because he's Greek, because if he wasn't and he was shooting people with poisoned darts, he'd be considered a terrorist.

Ares, his dad, was unimpressed that his son wasn't part of the state penetentuary like he was, so he kinda walked away.

But unlike his father, Eros was actually faithful to his wife Psyche.

Psyche was a princess (there is almost no woman in Greek mythology whose not a princess or a goddess, who gets a "happy ending) of some random country, and she was so hot, that the people started to worship her instead of Aphrodite. Aphrodite got jealous, and even though Psyche did nothing wrong, punished her people until they made Psyche jump off a cliff.

Eros, was watching, sat on one of his arrows and fell in love with Psyche, and decided to save her, and take her away to his house, where he decided to do a "Beauty and the Beast style" trust exercise (which was completely unneeded), saying that he wouldn't show himself for a month.

Now Psyche's sisters got jealous of her awesome fortune, and tricked her into thinking that Eros was some type of monster, and told her to take a lamp and a knife to their bedroom at night. Soon after this, her sisters jumped off a cliff thinking that a handsome, mysterious force would take them too, but they just died.

Psyche did what she was told, saw Eros, accidentally poured some hot lamp oil on his arm, and he pulled a "Beneath a Moonless Sky" on her (its a song my friend made me listen to) and the rest is pretty much Hans Christen Anderson's Cinderella, all over again.

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**Now what can we learn from this?**

**1) Apollo and the rest of the gods are messed up**

**2) That's it**

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**Please R&R!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello, my lovelies! Thanks for sticking in with me! Here's another chapter to make up for the long absence I had before.**

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_Chapter Six: Guidelines to Living with the Gods:_

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Hello, Asteri the nymph is back! And with a special friend... Persephone! She is here today to give us a couple healthy tidbits on dealing with the Olympians just in case you decide to come to visit! Now without further ado...

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1) Fanfiction is banned.

(Aphrodite doesn't appreciate Athena x Ares)

(Apollo doesn't appreciate Hades x Persephone)

(Hades won't stop reading Hades x Persephone pairings; Seriously, he got so distracted that Cerberus nearly broke free)

(No one believes in Hera x Zeus ever)

(Hestia might actually turn them all into teenagers)

2) The following songs should not be sung in Aphrodite's presence:

-T-T-T-Touch Me from Rocky Horror Picture Show

-Promiscious by ?

-Bring on the Men from Jekyll and Hyde

-Stupid H** by Nicki Minaj

- Lovely Ladies from Les Miserables

3) Naming the gods after Les Mis characters is banned. Even if Apollo is totally Enjolras, and Dionysus is Granatire.

4) Calling Zeus, and then whispering "Seven Days" is not advised. He'll electrocute you.

5) Playing Russian Roulette with Ares is banned. He puts bullets in every slot.

6) Don't say it's "Hug a Doshe" day and hug Zeus... or Ares... or Aphrodite... or anyone.

7) Hestia is NOT the following:

-The Human Torch

-The Ghost of Christmas Past

-Princess/ Fire-Lord Azula

But she is the Girl on Fire.

8) Mimicking Elizabeth Swan is banned. Especially when it comes to burning achohol. Dionysus will string you from the ceiling upside down.

9) Zeus and Hera will not be compared to Cersei and Jaime from Game of Thrones.

10) Ares will not be compared to Joffrey.

And lastly: Don't follow these rules. What's the fun in that?

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**Please R&R!**


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